“THEM MESSED UP KIDS”
It stars Shia La Beouf as the “average” audience stand-in called BRADMATT, and Joseph Gordon Lewitt as GORDY, (the mysterious pop-culture-quoting gay kid). The girl, AMBEVERLY, should be someone like Lindsay Lohan, (if she’s currently conscious), Evan Rachel Wood, or any of those young actresses that look like they would as quickly suck your cock as snort coke off your corpse.
(Dear Imaginary Reader, WARNING: The following movie is rated R, and contains graphic sex, graphic language, and graphic graphics, all involving teens- well, actors in their late 20s pretending to be teens, you know how it goes. It was originally going to be an artsier NC-17, but I took out the scene where they all attach hermit crabs to their genitals “just to feel something.”)
INT.- AMBEVERLY’S BEDROOM IN THE ALL AMERICAN TOWN OF SUBURBIABURG.- NIGHT.
AMBEVERLY and her boyfriend, BRADMATT, are having anal sex.
AMBEVERLY: Oh, yes, fuck, cunt-lick, ass-fucking cunt suck.
BRADMATT: Your rectum seems distant tonight.
AMBEVERLY: Haven’t you ever wondered if there was more to life than using mayonnaise to lubricate my orifices? I don’t want to become like my mom.
BRADMATT: I will kill your mom for you… if you ask.
AMBEVERLY: That’s sweet, but you don’t have to do that.
BRADMATT: I already did.
AMBEVERLY: That sucks. We should go on a cross country trip to escape the cops.
EXT. DUSTY HIGHWAY- DAY.
AMBEVERLY is driving a Cadillac, wearing only a “High School Musical 2” bra and panties set. BRADMATT is changing through stations, finally settling on a CARRIE UNDERWOOD song, which he enjoys ironically. In the back seat of the Cadillac we can see the corpses of a dog, a Walmart clerk, three Jehova’s witnesses, a partridge and a pear tree.
AMBEVERLY: There appears to be a mysterious young man up ahead.
BRADMATT: We should pick him up since he may further our understanding of our sexualities.
(They stop for Gordy.)
GORDY: Hi, I too am escaping the law under mysterious circumstances, like “The Fugitive”, but the original ‘60s series, not the Harrison Ford movie. Can I get a ride?
AMBEVERLY: Sure. Haven’t you ever wondered what it is that makes people meet? It is almost as if we were all fingers in a universal cat’s cradle, separated by unseen strings of destiny. Also, I am transgressively menstruating all over my seat.
INT. SEEDY MOTEL THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE THE BEDROOM IN SCENE 1, BUT WITH EVEN MORE CUM STAINS- NIGHT.
Our three heroes are gathered around the television watching the news.
BLONDE TV REPORTER: The evil rampage of these Satanist homosexual communist teens continues. I will now zoom in these stumpy wounds because really it’s people like us in the media and our de-sensitizing, sensationalistic, advertising-driven news that have created these monsters. Ooops, I have said too much.
AMBEVERLY: It's like... our lives aren't real unless they are on television...
GORDY: Shut up, vagina. So, like Charlie Lindbergh always said: who wants to get high?
BRADMATT: We used our weed to stuff it down the eye sockets of those Mexican migrant workers we shot because they reminded me of my abusive uncle. Remember? When I broke down crying?
GORDY: Weed is for fags, and I can say that. No, we’re going to suck freon off the air-conditioner, of course.
THE HIGH SCENE.
The camera will swirl as our heroes laugh and dance and get high off the air conditioner, Whisk, GORDY’s hair spray, and the fumes from AMBEVERLY’s “High School Musical 2” panties. This will probably be set to either bad house, Busta Rhymes, obscure tracks from “Insecticide,” Joy Division, Pink Floy's "Piper at the gates of Dawn" or “Mr. Tambourine Man,” depending on how old and disconnected from actual teens the director is.
THE CONTROVERSIAL TEEN SEX SCENE THE EDITOR WILL SECRETLY MASTURBATE TO HUNDREDS OF TIMES.
By now BRADMATT and GORDY have lost their shirts, while AMBEVERLEY quietly has an abortion in the bathroom.
GORDY: So, BRADMATT… Like Justin Timberlake always said: Can I suck your cock?
BRADMATT: No, dude, I’m not GAY!!!
GORDY: Who’s talking about gay? Poor misguided thing, letting these gender labels cloud your mind, there is no “gay” or “straight”, there’s only people, people who need people... Just LOVE. Homosexuality, heterosexuality… these are all lies meant to stifle the human heart.
BRADMATT: Hmmm… Ok. As long it’s not a fag thing, you can suck my cock. (Starts to take off pants.)
Just then a naked AMBEVERLY walks in with tears in her eyes:
AMBEVERLY: I heard it all, GORDY. You are sooooo right. It took so long to learn that deep inside we are all the same, no matter how many Mormons we decapitate for shit and giggles. There is no gay, no straight… Just… LOVE. Come here and lick my pussy.
GORDY: EEEEWWWW!!! NO!!! *throws up*
EXT. MOTEL- SUDDENLY IT IS DAY FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON.
Cops have surrounded the motel.
FAT WHITE SHERIFF WHO REPRESENTS ALL THAT IS WRONG WITH AMERICA, SOMEHOW: Come out, you messed up kids! We’re going to stop you, like we stopped SADDAM!
BRADMATT: Can it all end like this?
GORDY: Like in that movie…
BRADMATT: “Bonnie and Clyde?
AMBEVERLY: “Dog Day Afternoon”?
BRADMATT: “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid”?
AMBEVERLY: “Natural Born Killers”?
GORDY: Jesus Christ, you guys watch too many of those wonderful AFI specials that celebrate great American cinema. (He winks at the camera. This is called BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL, or SUCKING UP.)
BRADMATT, BEVERLY and GORDY run outside and are all shot down in slow motion while Pachelbel’s Canon plays. A stray bullet makes the motel BLOW UP in a ten-minute explosion.
BRADMATT: (coughing blood) I love you, Ambeverly! I will always love you! And you too, Gordy!
GORDY: (coughing blood) So… Can I suck your cock? (dies.)
BRADMATT: Oh, Gordy, you always shone so brightly. (dies)
The camera zooms in on Ambeverly. A silent CGI tear flows down her cheek.
AMBEVERLY: (coughing blood.) Somehow, I always knew it would end like this… The way youth ends on a summer day, having burned itself in the stove of passion. We were just three misunderstood children, searching for that great American dream that glimmered always just ahead. How could we have known that our parents would betray us? How could we have known that innocence could die on a summer afternoon? Fuck, I got shot in the tit. (dies)
CARRIE UNDERWOOD plays on the background.