"It's pronounced 'Proo', she said."

I'm going to regale you with the Marcel Proust questionnaire, but since today is Bloomsday and the Loopy Leprechaun is having 3-for-1 deals on Guinness, I'm calling it the Joyce questionnaire.

1-What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Feeling joyful and lonely all at once. Feeling sad and lonely is bad enough, but when you're down, at least you UNDERSTAND why no one else is around.

2-Where would you like to live?
In New York, with lots of money. New York without money is like going to a 10 course meal after the gastric bypass.

3-What is your idea of earthly happiness?
A loving woman's lap, a nice glass of wine, a great book, Vivaldi in the background, the low voices of happy friends in the next room, the smell of a garden breezing in through an open window. Oh, and "The Cleveland Show" on TV.

4-To what faults do you feel most indulgent?
I have a tendency to be extremely confessional with people who don't give a damn about me. When people ask me how I am, I'm always tempted to tell them. I prefer inaction to failure, and choose to forget that inaction IS failure. Also, my socks are frequently mismatched, but I figure that won't be an issue unless someone steals my shoes, and if someone steals my shoes, I have bigger problems to deal with than my mismatched socks.

5-Who are your favorite heroes of fiction?
Jean Valjean, Bilbo Baggins, Edmond Dantes.

6-Who are your favorite heroes of history?
Socrates, Jesus, Spartacus. Notice a trend?

7-Who are your favorite heroines of fiction?
Scarlett O'Hara, Anna Karenina, Pippi Longstocking.

8-Your favorite painters?
Dali, Bosch, Modigliani, Waterhouse. I'm sorry I can't stand "artists" who think having Parkinson's is a valid painting technique, or who call their paintings things like: "Black Dot on White Canvas #17: Confluence and Harmony of the Right Wing Pederast."

9-Your favorite musicians?
Dead White Guys: Tchaikovsky, Beethoven, Mozart, Bach.
Sings and Writes: Bob Dylan, Leonard Cohen, David Bowie, Paul Simon
Rock Bands: The Beatles, Aerosmith, The Who, Pink Floyd
Not-that-Rocking: ABBA, Mecano, Elton John, Billy Joel.
(Yes, I am quite boring, but I can't quite understand people who, when asked about the best band of all time, say things like: "CLEARLY, it's Aztec Camera.")

10-The quality you most admire in a man?
The ability to refrain from punching things as a way of life.

11-The quality you most admire in a woman?
A charitable willingness to tolerate my company.

12-Your favorite virtue?
Compassion without sentimentality.

13-Your favorite occupation?
Creation.

14-Your most marked characteristic?
I would like to think it's my boundless curiosity, my desire to learn about new things. But it's probably my constant tendency to fall from apparent happiness to irritating despair.

15-What is your main defect?
See above. Also, you know, I'm selfish, immature, irresponsible, and, like, seventeen inches too short.

16-What natural gift would you most like to possess?
I wish I was hot and athletic *shrugs* Shallow but true. That failing, I wish I could tell jokes without forgetting the punchline, or messing it up, and, hmm, stuttering and all that, and not forget where I was going to go with the joke, or... wait, before that I should have told you the rabbi was blind. It's not the same if you don't know the rabbi is blind.

17-What historical and contemporary figure do you most despise?
I really hate Hugo Chavez. I don't just mean that I hate his politics. I mean I hate HIM. It's a personal thing. When he speaks I hear a retarded donkey coughing out huge turds on tops of cheering, clapping Venezuelans. You have to speak Spanish to truly understand what an immense, monstrous idiot this guy is. My favorite Chavez quote:
"And if I catch anyone lying and saying we don't allow free speech in Venezuela, ay, they're gonna pay for saying that, just you wait!"

18-What are your favorite names?
Girls: Carolina, most variations on Elizabeth, (Lisa, Liz, Beth, Elly, Zabe, etc). Anything's cool, as long as it's not a state name. Guys: Who cares? As long as it's not something like Eugene or Percival or Chad. GOD I HATE CHADS.

19-What is your present state of mind?
Oh, right now is apparent happiness. Irritating despair comes later tonight.

20-What is your motto?
It's the final line of "The Count of Montecristo." ("All of human wisdom is in these two things: to Wait and to Hope")

21-How would you like to die?
I don't think I would LIKE it, thank you.
But I'll tell you what I DON'T want. I don't want my death to be described as "bizarre," "disgusting," "mysterious," "painful," or "hilarious."


ABOVE: Happy Bloomsday! And never mind question 16, I'm pretty freakin' hot compared to James Joyce! What a dork!