Dear Imaginary Reader:
I'm having a child.
It wasn't an easy decision, it took a lot of praying and pondering. I kept on returning to that Biblical commandment to go forth and multiply, I kept listening to the demanding ticks of my biological clock, I kept dreaming of the happy pitter-patter of feet running toward a Christmas tree, and I had to recognize there was an aching emptiness inside me. Overpopulation be damned, I too want a succesor.
But first I would have to get a girlfriend, and then she would make me watch "America's Next Top Model" and movies with Katherine Heigl. Ugh. Then I would have to get through the hassle of marrying her and building a "traditional" family, and she'll want to discuss her swollen ankles and cravings for anchovies on ice cream, like somehow I should care. No no no. I want to cut through that red tape, slide by the freakshow of pregnancy, and get to the whole procreating point: the kid itself.
So I wanna go right to being a single dad. Hey, many wonderful women do it, the gays are doing it, celebrities are doing it, why not me? I know I have the potential and affection, and I want a baby.
I've though about it. I specifically want a baby girl, I will call her Rachel, after the character in "Friends." (I'm telling you, this isn't some spur-of-the-moment thing, it's been brewing for a while. Phoebe and Monica are possible names too.)
Of course, a baby has its own set of complications, and I'm not really too captivated by the idea of dealing with a fleshy blob of tears who just shits and vomits 24/7. So I figure, if I'm skipping the wife and the pregnancy, why not skip the baby stage too?
So I'm going to adopt a little girl, preferably one called Rachel, but I know a lot of the girls that go up for adoption are Asian, so I'm totally flexible on the Rachel thing. And when one thinks about it, let's be honest: little girls can be more than a little annoying. There's the terrible twos and the troublesome threes and the frantic fours, and really that whole childhood part is a nightmare, and they can get hurt easily, and toys are so expensive these days.
If I'm cutting corners, why not just adopt a girl that goes to school? After all, it's what I'm good at: there's this nurturing teaching aspect to me that is basically what parenthood is about. I wanna help little Rachel with homework, guide her through the difficult years of adolescence.
But then right away I noticed the problem there: teenage girls are- let's face it- crazy bitches. I don't know if it's the hormones or something, but all they do is scream and be rebellious and hang out at the mall doing things I don't even want to imagine with high school boys. What's the point of being a dad to someone who thinks you're the most embarrassing thing on Earth and always has you drop her off three blocks away from the place where she's actually meeting her friends? It seems like I would be jumping straight into a problematic period.
If I'm going to have a daughter, the smart, natural thing to do is go ahead and get an older, more mature one, someone who's worked out her teenage issues and is prepared to show some actual gratefulness and affection to her father.
So I'm just gonna do this. If you know of any woman, age 18-45, who is looking for an instant father figure, give her my e-mail. She doesn't have to be called Rachel. Any ethnicity is fine.
At the end of the day, my heart just longs to hear those magical words: "I love you, Daddy." Preferably from the mouth of an attractive chick.
There might be some spanking involved. That's just how the miracle of life works.